hello again

Well, gees-I definitely didn't plan on abandoning this blog for weeks and weeks but it's just one of those things that happen. 

I'm sure if you read this blog, you read my other blog and have heard that I had my baby. Actually, I gave birth almost seven weeks ago. Yeah, I am slow like that. Before Asa's arrival I imagined myself calmly blogging as he napped, puttering around doing housework with him in a sling and just being giddy at being a stay at home Mom. Ok, now imagine almost the complete opposite of that scenario and you have my current life status. Although he does indeed make me very happy and we are truly blessed to have Asa in our lives.

I wanted to open back up here with my birth story-well, with Asa's birth story- but I think that even after seven weeks there are still a lot of parts of it that I am processing. Let's just say giving birth was the most shocking and traumatic experience I've been through. That is not to say that it wasn't beautiful and joyous as well. Pretty much any emotion I've ever felt was felt during my 24 hours of labor. I will say that I did birth as planned at the birth center, it was a drug free birth and at the moment we are all ok. Things were a lot different than anticipated and maybe someday I will let that all go. For now though, it stews...

Probably the most difficult part of it all was the first week postpartum. I didn't fully grasp that I'd be caring for this new life while I myself was trying to heal. Perhaps the biggest lesson I've ever learned I learned during that week: if I don't take care of myself, I am pretty useless to everyone else. That's been a hard one for me to grasp, but oh so important. I stepped back, admitted defeat a few times and took the help that was offered. It was the only way to move forward and I'm so glad that I did. 

Asa is an amazing soul. I swear he came out of the womb smiling. Though he's a fragile little creature he is astonishingly strong both physically and mentally. I cannot describe how much joy he gives us. People told me that a child would make me love my spouse even more and they were right. We are very lucky, indeed. 

So this post is all over the place, I'm not even sure it makes much sense as I am currently functioning on about three hours of sleep. Basically, I just wanted to come back here and say hello. More soon.

Comments

[alyson]

oh Abby, this was beautiful. brought happy tears to my eyes. xo

[brooke]

hello, welcome back, and congratulations!

I am now dying to hear your birth story. But no rush. Just think I might learn a lot from it.

Asa looks like a sweetie.

Wishing you the best of all, and great sleep when you do sleep.

:)

[Molly]

Congratulations. It took me months to emerge from my shell, which was hugely difficult as I was finishing my MFA coursework and teaching Intermediate Poetry, but I'm glad I gloried in Maya's first small half-year of life. Now, she's all kinds of mobile, at a grand old age of ten months, and I'm publishing and whatnot again, and it feels good to open my life up again.

I suppose this is some kind of cock-eyed advice, only in that I am saying: embrace this time. Let the word "permission" permeate your being. Permit yourself to ask for a long bath. Permit yourself to spend an entire day examining the tininess of your wee one. Permit yourself to accomplish nothing more than a good nap. The world changes so much.

Congratulations. Congratulations, congratulations.

[gwen]

so glad
to see you here.
i hear you
about
the labor & birth...
hang in there
and enjoy
those quiet moments
with asa.
xox

[amelia studio]

Yeah, those first weeks don't have a lot of puttering or stay-at-home giddiness. :) I remember being very proud of myself for being able to bend over to fill the dog's water bowl while carrying the baby at the same time. And that was my big accomplishment for the day! Once the sleep starts coming back, things get easier. You'll get there!

[Shayna]

lovely and so true. one of the most important things giving birth taught me was to that it's alright to ask for help. it's a hard but important lesson.

during the first few weeks a family friend wisely scolded me for trying to do dishes and said, "that is NOT your job right now." it's easy to forget that for as much joy as your babe brings, taking care of another being is also a job...and a hard one.

and it's so true...having a child makes you love your spouse in an entirely different way. well said.

[Mary Catherine]

I totally understand this post---I am still processing as I try to write D's birth story 4 months later. The enormity of birth deserves as much time as you need with it...to heal, to deal, to celebrate, all of it. Be where you are--he is beautiful! Xo

[Anna]

This is my first time commenting, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone and those feelings are normal. So many people tell you how life will be so wonderful after having the baby. This is only half the truth.
I had my baby 7 months ago, very peaceful, only 5 hour labor, but the transition to motherhood was crazy! I'm just now feeling like I'm coming out from under the cloud of those first days. It wasn't PPD, just a HUGE adjustment.
I'm sure you have plenty of support (and I'm a complete stranger!), but feel free to email if you need someone to "talk" to.

[Erika]

Just came across your blog and wanted you to know how much this post resonates! My baby son is 4 months old today, and boy, what a ride it's been. So many things, including an unplanned c-section and not being able to breastfeed no matter WHAT I did, really threw me off my game. Toss in a little sleep deprivation and, well, you know. We count our blessings every day, but we definitely didn't realize how much work the beginning would be! I mean, how do you explain to someone why you don't even have time to shower when you can't understand it yourself?? Sigh. Before giving birth, one of my dearest friends told me to cast all my expectations aside and just survive the first three months as if I were at war. Ha. I thought she was crazy at the time, but now it allll makes sense. Moral of my story? Thank-you cards, emails and blogs can wait, the best gift for a new mom is ready-made meal, and dry shampoo is the best invention EVER.

Hang in there! It gets easier. Swear :)

[Taryn]

Oh my gosh, I totally understand the shock that comes during the first week with trying to both care for a completely helpless little human and myself- it ended up being that my poor husband had to take the reigns for the first couple weeks while I just tried to sit so my bottom did hurt too much. And I had a perfectly wonderful natural birth story- but it still takes a toll on the body!

I don't know how your body is feeling now, but for the first five months I was worried that I would never feel like I was in my own body again. Despite my doctor saying I was healed at the 6 week postpartum checkup, I certainly didn't feel healed. I didn't feel 99% better until 6 months postpartum (and even now there are some weird pains that pop up rarely). Don't feel hopeless about those things; they do change.

[Melanie]

Dear Sweet Abby,
We are now 16 months into my sweet Grant's life and you really must know that it does get easier and that the difficulties you faced during your labor and birth will serve a grand purpose. I know very well that a natural birth process can sometimes be as "disasterous" as one under the standard medical model of care. It doesn't mean that it was not the right choice nor that you cannot accomplish it with joyful results next time. Be gentle with yourself. Lovingly, Mel

[Eva @ Sycamore Street Press]

Oh yes. I can remember all of this so clearly. And yet tomorrow, Ingrid turns 1. From my experience, it just keeps getting better. Hang in there, Abby. And congratulations again! He is just beautiful.

[jamie]

<3 <3 <3

hard, wonderful, amazing, diffucult stuff- all rolled into one, eh?

while i do hope you can resolve it soon, it comforts me to hear i am not the only one who had (er, has) a hard time getting over my birth experience not being what i wanted/expected. ;)

[Melissa T.]

I had the same fantasies before Dylan arrived. Take heart, it gets easier - and more fun! Enjoy your soft, sweet, cuddly Asa now, 'cause in just a few short months he'll really be moving and you'll hardly be able to believe he was ever so tiny! Congrats, again, Abby.

[Deandra]

You've impesrsed us all with that posting!