giant

So here I am, six months pregnant and not too many posts to show for it.

I thought I would love blogging my personal thoughts and feelings while pregnant, but boy was I wrong.

Obviously hormones are raging through me which makes my already sensitive self that much more sensitive and that isn't all bad. I'm finding myself laughing a lot more and it's been easier to ignore things that used to annoy me. Yes, I can cry a lot easier, too. But that's usually the good, sappy kind of crying-like when you watch a really great movie or hear a story of love reunited. 

One sort of strange thing that's happening though is that I'm developing a hatred towards my growing body. I'm aware this isn't ideal. I'm aware many women say "embrace those curves". I'm aware many women love being pregnant and it's the happiest time of their lives. I'm aware of this. But that doesn't mean my pregnancy is the same as their's and it doesn't mean I can force myself to feel a certain way. I have never been this big in my life and I feel as though my body may just explode. I'm awkward, flabby and have lost the little muscle tone I once had. I look in the mirror and see a person who I do not know staring back at me. 

I walk everyday, I swim most every day and take the stairs (yup that's three flights every time) but still feel ginormous. I look to the next three months with happiness-I'm so excited to meet little Asa-but also with a tinge of terror...how can my body support any more of this weight? 

The funny thing is, I am not and have never been a person who found her self worth in her body. I have crooked teeth, an awkward smile, dopey hair and a lack of athletic skill. It's not like I cared much about my outward apperance before being pregnant. I think this is why these feelings are so strange and unexpected for me. 

On top of these feelings is layered a heavy amount of guilt. Why can't I just eat less? Why can't I just be happy with it? Why am I inwardly complaining when so many women would give their right leg to be pregnant? Yep, all these thoughts come up, too.

I don't want anyone to think I'm swimming in a sea of bad thoughts, most of the time I am pretty happy. I'd just thought I'd share in case anyone out there felt the same. And if so-well, you are not alone, my friend. 

So as I continue in this space...you probably won't notice too many "pregnancy" posts. I figure-try to focus on the positive, the end result, right?

At least that's what I'm trying for now...

 

Comments

[Hillary]

I always feel like that in my pregnancies as well even though I know from experience that it comes off so fast after the baby comes (at least in my experience!). Right now I'm 24 weeks pregnant and I feel enormous even though I know I'm really not, it's just that it's enormous FOR ME. I'm not used to a fat pad on my sides, LOL. If you breastfeed and skip out on bad fats the weight will melt away in a few short months. Good thing you will be too busy to pay any attention at all! ;)

[Rosie]

I can totally relate. I'm about five months pregnant with number two. I felt like I'd just got my body back from the first time round when I fell pregnant again (in fact, I ran a half marathon when 12 weeks pregnant because I'd trained so hard and refused to give up that bit of 'me'. And yes, I know that's selfish).

I keep trying to remind myself that I can get back in shape. I did it once so I can do it again. It'll never be the same shape I was pre-baby, but my body is strong (I can make babies with it!).

This comment is all about me, but what I'm saying is, try if you can to let the worry go. You're not alone in feeling like this.

[julia]

oh abby. i can only imagine what you're going through. i know you're happy to be pregnant, but i'm sure it must feel sometimes like such an alien experience. i obviously have no personal experience or advice to share, but i just hope you find enough happiness in your days to overshadow the bad stuff. wish i could give you a hug right now! xoxo

[michella]

you look great! and you do not look "giant" but I understand how you feel. it's a very weird feeling watching your body transform into something completely different. some days are better than others for me but I try to embrace it and love my body.

[Claudia]

I totally remember what you are talking about. Everything you said also happened to me...except the swimming everyday since I don't know how to swim ;) I will tell you one thing : it is perfectly normal! Take care xox

[Kelly]

I very much dislike pregnancy because of this mostly. I am a grump when pregnant. The bodily changes are so tiring, mentally and physically. Hang in there. I know you know this already but they are so worth it. I've done it three times so either I'm crazy or they are! ;)

[Jen]

I was not a fan of the whole body getting bigger thing. I had a hard time being weighed every month and gaining weight. My boobs didn't really grow until I nursed. But the end result - each time - made the wait so worth it. I always told people I didn't like the pregnancy part - I loved the birthing part. When that baby comes out and you hold him/her for the first time. But swimming helped tremendously. However big a goof I was on land, I felt like a graceful beluga in the water. Keep taking care of yourself and everything will balance out. And soon little Asa will be here...

[Amanda]

I mostly didn't mind my body growing, except toward the very end, but I definitely had some real ambiguous feelings about pregnancy. I kind of liked the emotional rollercoaster, in a perverse way, and I liked that it felt like my body was doing something really amazing. I didn't like constant comments and attention (though it was all kind), and I kind of just wanted to be alone sometimes. Like, really alone. I remember being delighted when I finally felt my son kick, and then suddenly realizing I would not be alone for the next... really long time. But in the end I would say the good outweighed the bad, and then I got my baby. Then the ambiguity really got started... And also the greatest love of my life. Hang in there. And don't beat yourself up about eating. Just do what feels good.

[tiffany jewell]

oh abby... isn't it totally weird being pregnant? my co-teacher told me it's okay to not like being pregnant... she, actually hated it and told me she would do the birth part ten times over instead of being pregnant... turning our bodies over to someone/ something else is so weird. i can't get over it and am constantly amazed at how the body i'm wearing now is not my own. none of my clothes fit and i have to keep buying bras every two- three weeks. (it's ridiculous!)
i'm glad you're exercising and eating well... that's such a good thing...
my dear abby... i hope you are well... keep taking care of yourself... (i'm sending many hugs your way!) xoxo

[bawkbawk]

Yesterday I was in a store buying some hair spray and the lady serving me blurted out of no where 'YOU KNOW WHAT? IM PREGNANT AND IM MEANT TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL BUT I DONT! I FEEL HUGE AND MY SKINS BAD AND IM TIRED! GUH!' Ha! So, uh, what I mean to say is I think maybe you arent the only one!

[Chelsea]

I felt quite similar, although once my belly really did "pop" -- which takes a little longer with your first pregnancy -- it seemed to sort of balance the rest of things out -- and made it clear to everyone that the weight is pregnancy related. The first months that you begin to gain weight are tricky, because it just feels like you are gaining weight, not growing a belly bump... but this, too, shall pass! Have you done any yoga for pregnancy or had any massage? That helped me a lot when I was expecting my first and feeling totally uncomfortable with sciatica from the extra weight I was toting. I highly recommend "Beautiful Bountiful Blissful" by Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa, a really lovely book about tending to yourself while pregnant. Her DVD of yoga for expecting mothers is really lovely, too. She has such a kind, gentle manner. Sending you kind thoughts... +Chelsea

[lori]

sometimes I think 'abby does it again' would be more descriptive - your sunny explorations, your bright reflections, and your willingness to swim (write) against the tides with thoughtful, eloquent insight are always inspiring.
sending little flags, waving with love, to cheer you on!

[makool]

oh! and...
I spent my whole pregnancy pretty much unable to get up off the sofa, so your doing great, I can see that your standing in that photo, by my book your amazing!

[Clairsy]

I totally feel your pain! And I'm only 18 weeks pregnant... I'm loving being pregnant : the little movements, the growing belly, the excitement. But I am sort of hating how I look - I have the worst acne now and there's nothing I can do about it, my hair feels greasy, and what I hate most is putting back on all the weight I lost pre-pregnancy weight (i swear my bum has grown more than my belly). I thought I'd still look like "me" but with a cute little bump. Then I realised I'm not an anorexic supermodel.
Maybe I'll feel better when I look obviously pregnant and not just fat.
Hang in there lady, not long to go, and I'm told it's all worth it : )

[Shrie]

Girl, embrace whatever feelings you have, accept them and move on. There are no rules as to how you should feel. Just know that what your body is doing is natural, and in order for it to do that job well it has to get big and bulky and create a protective shell for your babe.

It's good to admit your feelings! Take the good things with the bad. :)

[Eva / Sycamore Street Press]

I felt that way, too, towards the end. I knew that I shouldn't. That the most important thing was the health of the baby... But as someone who struggled with her weight and negative feelings associated with that throughout junior high, high school, and much of college, I was a little horrified to have those same old negative feelings coming back the larger I grew while pregnant. I just pushed them back as best as I could and tried to focus on my feelings about the baby. But it was hard.

[jaime]

i feel the EXACT same way. i am only 4 months along and just starting to show, but it's already really crazy seeing my body change and i am having major issues with people looking at my stomach and thinking i am just fat since i have that in between belly at the moment. anyway, i am right there with you and i totally know how you feel. prenatal yoga has been great for me to keep me focused on the positive. good luck with everything!!

[sarah Ahearn Bellemare]

i hear ya, i totally hated being pregnant until about the 7 month mark. weird, i know, but i think it took me that long to get used to the new giant body and the whole growing another human thing... To say "i hate being pregnant" while pregnant seemed wrong, but i said it, and when i did it seemed like a big secret that i wasn't allowed to tell. but when i said it to the right person (another mom who felt the same way) they totally got it and thanked me for saying it. hang in there... it's all so strange and uncomfortable, but worth the trip in the end. you seriously forget how it felt as soon as the little one lands in your arms for the first time. i love the name asa for a boy, we had a girl named ada, but if we had a boy i'd love to name him asa, but it'd just be wrong. :) hang in there, he'll be here before you know it! xo *s

[Amy]

Oh boy, does this sounds familiar. Towards the end of my pregnancy (I gave birth this past February) I felt SO gross - my thighs were touching in the most unbecoming way, I was constantly sweaty even though it was winter... plus I couldn't understand how I was getting so large despite eating pretty healthy and doing some sort of exercise every day.
Turned out a lot of it was water weight and went away pretty quickly! Hang in there!

[Honey]

I see, I suopspe that would have to be the case.

[Morey]

You put the lime in the coconut and drink the arctile up.