Today's realizations: it's a lot harder to write a baby blog because
1.Babies bring up a lot of emotions in people
2.Many people think that they way they choose to believe is the right/perfect/best/only way to raise a child and their experiences make them "experts" on the matter(learned that when my post about bright baby books got someone's panties in a knot today-geesh-it's just cute books!!!)
3. With this blog I'm revealing more of myself than I ever have before. I'm not hiding behind my pretty pictures of flowers...I'm just being me and it's weird sometimes.
so some pretty fun things are happening around here. The baby (Asa?) is moving a lot these days-and kicks are becoming quite visible from the outside. Sometimes they are what I consider to be "gigantic" and it's pretty great when James gets to see or feel those ones. His reactions are always over the top, which I quite appreciate. It makes me excited to see our baby...how will James react then?
I'm heading back home to California to visit family and when I get back, we start our birthing class! That is so crazy to me, time is flying by. Early in my pregnancy I read a lot of birth stories and a lot about labor, but the past two months I've sort of not focused any attention on it. I'm looking forward to learning techniques and meeting other soon to be parents.
Thanks for the comments (and really sweet emails!) on this post. I'm so glad that there were many who could relate. I know this too shall pass...and actually, just getting it out there made me feel about 1,000x better about it.
Anyway, how's that for a random mess of a post, huh?
Oh well, at least for now I can blame the hormones for my randomness.... :D
So here I am, six months pregnant and not too many posts to show for it.
I thought I would love blogging my personal thoughts and feelings while pregnant, but boy was I wrong.
Obviously hormones are raging through me which makes my already sensitive self that much more sensitive and that isn't all bad. I'm finding myself laughing a lot more and it's been easier to ignore things that used to annoy me. Yes, I can cry a lot easier, too. But that's usually the good, sappy kind of crying-like when you watch a really great movie or hear a story of love reunited.
One sort of strange thing that's happening though is that I'm developing a hatred towards my growing body. I'm aware this isn't ideal. I'm aware many women say "embrace those curves". I'm aware many women love being pregnant and it's the happiest time of their lives. I'm aware of this. But that doesn't mean my pregnancy is the same as their's and it doesn't mean I can force myself to feel a certain way. I have never been this big in my life and I feel as though my body may just explode. I'm awkward, flabby and have lost the little muscle tone I once had. I look in the mirror and see a person who I do not know staring back at me.
I walk everyday, I swim most every day and take the stairs (yup that's three flights every time) but still feel ginormous. I look to the next three months with happiness-I'm so excited to meet little Asa-but also with a tinge of terror...how can my body support any more of this weight?
The funny thing is, I am not and have never been a person who found her self worth in her body. I have crooked teeth, an awkward smile, dopey hair and a lack of athletic skill. It's not like I cared much about my outward apperance before being pregnant. I think this is why these feelings are so strange and unexpected for me.
On top of these feelings is layered a heavy amount of guilt. Why can't I just eat less? Why can't I just be happy with it? Why am I inwardly complaining when so many women would give their right leg to be pregnant? Yep, all these thoughts come up, too.
I don't want anyone to think I'm swimming in a sea of bad thoughts, most of the time I am pretty happy. I'd just thought I'd share in case anyone out there felt the same. And if so-well, you are not alone, my friend.
So as I continue in this space...you probably won't notice too many "pregnancy" posts. I figure-try to focus on the positive, the end result, right?