on trying again

I couldn't sleep last night.
It was one of those nights, or I guess I should say it was one of those days.
Those days where I am confronted with the reality that I have no clue what I am doing here.
By here, I mean anywhere-the earth I guess.
Do you have those days?
I think was really did it for me was the fact the I realized, I mean really realized that I am terrified of having children.
Yup, extremely terrified.
Which, might be fine if I wasn't me. See I grew up in an extremely religious large family where it was taught and pretty much assumed that the girls would grow up and be wives and mothers. College wasn't discouraged-but let's just say that marriage and children were pretty much the main deal here.
And now, I really, really don't think that I want to have children. And that, my friends,  leaves me with the big old question-what am I going to do with my life?
Thus the no sleeping.
I realize that I've had this question looming in my head for oh-about 15 years now-but really, it is all enveloping at the moment.
So here I am-left to try again. What can I do besides that, right?
I just wanted to throw a huge thank you to all of you who are here silently or who leave comments or emails. Truly-you make my day. Thanks for letting me try again.
I am a procrastinator
awful seamstress
novice photographer
good cook
decent knitter
confused person
thanks for letting me share with you. Really.......peace.

Comments

[Paula Jackson]

thank you for sharing, i enjoy your view, your style, and you know it's ok to ask, what am i to do here? this is the only way to get the answer, love.

[chez shoes]

I go through cycles of having those days all the time, actually. Then months will go by and - nothing. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I am childless by choice - that by not being a mom, I have the luxury of *time* that allows me to wonder what my purpose on this planet is.

[meg]

xoxoxo
i have kids and still don't know what to do with my life :)

[jenny v.]

abby - i think all truth (leading to what to do with your life, and why we are on earth to what we will wear the the next morning) all begins with the questions. asking them, pondering them, searching them out and listening is the first step to be sure. trying again and again is the success - not the final result. and i'm sure i'm not sharing anything new here! but i'm thinking of all the very same things at this juncture in my life. i just want to make sure i'm not basing my decisions out of fear and more out of what i feel is the true thing for me.

i grew up in a similar environment that you did, but was always encouraged to be really educated - my family and friends were totally shocked when i met my husband, and so was i. :) also - i thought that "someday" waaay down the road, kids might come into the picture. but i've never experienced love like this till meeting mr. max. i hope i'm lucky enough to have more, but i understand the pain or the *cough* jugements that others make when you don't have a large minivan full of chillins. i've learned to ignore those peeps, because they just don't get it.

[melanie]

i'm terrified TO DEATH of having children. i can totally relate.

ps i really like your photos. :)

[Dawn]

I am about to have my second child...April 23rd and still have no idea what I am doing. So my new approach is to take baby steps. Baby steps to a brighter future...baby steps to minimal Dawn...baby steps to finding out my purpose....baby steps is the way to go man...kind of ironic that I can up with baby steps before I had kids and before I saw 'What About Bob' very weird...
Having children is the most wonderful thing on the entire planet...but there are lots of other wonderful things too and I am sure plenty of your friends and family members will have kids that you can be involved with if you want. I still have plenty of time for me and my interests I just have to manage my time and energy a bit better which for me is a good thing. Having our daughter motivated me in all kinds of new directions. So either way...you will find your place that I am sure of and if not maybe your place is finding your place...I have accepted that as my place. :)

[Stella]

I'm all of those things too! And I went through something vaguely similar when I realized I didn't want to be a college professor -- something I'd literally assumed for my entire life. It's weird to grieve for something that you've CHOSEN not to do. I'm not sure if that's where you are, at all, but I think it kind of goes along with choosing what TO do. But here we are, doing our best, right?

And thank YOU for chronicling your constant trying and trying again, and the beautiful things that those attempts produce. It really is inspiring.

[Rachel]

I can relate in so many ways. I started by making lists of things to do, some short-term items others long-term. Before I knew it I had way too many things on my list for one life time. Now that I have a list, I need to find the courage to do what I want to do. This is the hard part.

On a side not, I realized that even if I had kids, I'd still want more out of my life. So kids or no kids, this journey isn't in vain.

[g.]

Maybe I have an answer: what you are doing here? Take some beautiful photos...
Don't you think?
g.

[Emma]

Oh Abby, you know, I always used to think how can I be everything that I want to be if I HAVE TO have children. I have so many plans that don't involve children and I always figured I probably wouldn't have any.

But recently, I think my hormones have turned against me, because I think about having children every day and all the time. And I worry about not having the time, because I am 27, I have years of study before I get my masters degree (why couldn't I figure what I wanted to become at 20?) and I haven't even met the right guy... great.

I think I want my old brain back!

[Abby]

I feel the same way most of the time. I went baby mad at 27, had my baby just before my 29th birthday I am now a full time mum, casual worker (one or two shifts a month) and who knows what else!!!! I struggle must days with my place in the world.... am I a valuable member of society when I stay at home playing babies all day?? What will happen to me when my babies grow up....
I still wake up everyday wnating to fill my life to the brim and not knowing exactly how....
you are ot alone.
luv Abby

[claire]

abby,
this is so funny, because yesterday i was having one of those days.
as i walked my beautiful walk to work, i was thinking how fast life is going by, and not so much where it was going, but more about my enjoyment of it. am i making sure each day is full of goodness and can i be totally satisfied that i experienced today as best i could.
because i think that is what is the most important...
i know you have to be realistic and have a future in mind, but honestly, the amount of times my life has changed so completely and finally in the space of a day, a moment, that i try to... i think this will sound kind of silly, but i've just committed myself to sharing (and i'm usually so shy when it comes to words!)...
i've started to think of life, and all that it entails, as a game.
One big long exciting scary game. Fun! Except you only get one (wo)man. So try to do everything you can, don't worry so much about what you can't, or are scared about (for the record, I too am unbelievably shit scared of having a baby- i start to have heart palpitations just at that whole 'giving birth' thing, never mind what comes after)
as to what you are going to do with your life- be happy! laugh a lot. worry less. take photos, go for bike rides, watch your sweetheart sleeping, eat delicious meals, be more generous, don't smoke, and do one thing a day just for you.
a little cheesy for sure, but it works for me.
oh, and make lists!
lists are good.

[stephanie]

talk about procrastinators, i have a major deadline and here i am visiting blogs while my cookies bake.

in my opinion, there are not enough people in the world that are terrified of having children...it can be kind of romanticized and trivialized in our culture

when i was in my 20s, i didn't want children at all — i had an entirely different path in mind for myself, but i ended up pregnant anyway. becoming a mother was completely life-changing for me and the most fulfilling thing i've ever done. i don't say this because i think you will or should change your mind, i say it because you just have no idea what the universe will throw in your path. you have so many talents and skills and interests yet to be unearthed. i'm a good deal older than you, and i feel like i'm just getting started. it's really liberating when you think about it.

the best thing you can do is just take one day at a time, living it to the fullest.

[julia]

oh abby! i think i'll echo what claire said. i can't even begin to count the number of times that i've stopped. looked around me. and thought: how the hell did i get here? how the hell did i get sit at a desk raising money everyday? how the HELL did i get to live in minnesota? how the hell did i get to share my life with someone so unexpectedly amazing and perfect for me?

i think the fact that i never in a million years could have predicted that i would end up where i am today, and be so happy with where i am, helps me to not really freak out about where i'm going. because i'm pretty sure that there's no way i can really predict that right now. so i just try to be happy with where i am and do things to make me happy right now. and try to have faith that i'll end up happy, whatever that might mean.

oh yeah, and if you don't want to have kids. don't. unless you change your mind.

and thank you for sharing with us- so happy that i found you out in this big wide blog world.

[Ali]

I think anyone who ISN'T terrified of having children just hasn't thought about it much.

I have two and it doesn't change the fact that I wonder almost daily what I am going to do with my life. Would I be any more certain if I didn't have them?

But one thing they have taught me is to live in the here and now, because you absolutely never know what the future holds and the most elaborate of life plans can be turned around in an instant. Do what makes your soul sing today and tomorrow will look after itself.

[terry]

Thank you for being so honest. While I was never terrified of having children, I was a bit scared by how much I really did not feel the urge to have them. Whenever I was honest about that, some people called me selfish (mostly in-laws!). But I realized that to have them when in my heart of hearts I just knew I didn't want to and just didn't think I was meant to would be more selfish than anything else I could do. I always left the possibility open, but I never felt that maternal pull and now at the age of 42, the feeling, or lack of, still hasn't changed. I too struggled with what that meant for my life and have finally come to peace with all of it. I realized that though I am not meant to create children, I am meant to create. And that is my special gift both from and to the universe.

[erin]

i am going on 37 and sometimes i feel like i am 17...no idea on earth what i am meant to do here, but going along, following my heart and just being me. most of the time it works out pretty well. sometimes not so much. regardless of whether you have kids or not, i am sure that you will find your path, abby. i think that it just takes time for most of us.

[Katie]

for real, Abby. I need to go finish my degree. It occurred to me yesterday that maybe I ought to go back for business, and that scared me because I'm kinda sorta not a big capitalism lover, but at the same time most of my career fantasies involve owning my own business....so, aye. who knows what i'll do. I'm just trying to enjoy it all in the moment.

[bethany]

oh.. do you have to do something with your life? Isn't it just enough to do something with your morning, your day, your friends, the veggies in the fridge that are getting old... Can't that be enough?

Then you can get some sleep.

(kids are fine, but they aren't necessary to life. and the planet is getting really crowded and dirty, so don't feel obligated. really. And if you have any, you will not sleep much at all.for years.)

[Molly]

Abby: I love posts like this one. Thank you for being honest, sincere and open - creating a place for real conversation. I, too felt those pangs of struggle in my 20s ... never really having that strong desire for marraige or children. When I was not looking for it, they both came to me like gifts, ready for me to open myself in ways I never expected. Annie Dillard said "the way we live our days is the way we lives." simple, but profoundly true. Be well ...

[ileana]

I've been sitting here for a few minutes trying to think of something eloquent to say, and this is all I've got: I hear ya, sister. :)

[emily]

oh my. your words are so heartfelt and touching. and there is such loveliness in this space. so if you are doing nothing, you must be radiating the loveliness.

and i say ditto. to so many others who have left words of wisdom. wise women, indeed.

[kirsten]

You are so brave to share your truth. I am a relatively new mama (I have a 1 year old) and I have been trying again every step of the way. I have wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl. I wanted a career, children and well, a nice life. Our little boy didn't come when we thought he would. We waited, not so patiently at times, for him and when he arrived my life changed. I went through a really rough time emotionally. I wasn't prepared.

What I am trying to say is no one is ever prepared for what life brings. Children or no children, you can still leave your mark. It is more commendable to admit you don't think you are meant to be a mother than to live the life everyone else thinks is right for you.

You are already on the right path...your path...try as many times as you need.

Take good care.

[Jenn]

Oh, how I understand that feeling, and the nights that go along with it. Although I'm not coming from the same place family-wise, I find myself hugely disinclined towards having kids, but at the same time wondering (and sweating) how life would end up without them (which is odd, given my strong feelings of not wanting children.) And, from that, I wonder what I'm doing here too - where I'm going, how I'm getting there, _if_ I'm getting there. Questions I don't really have answers to, but then, I wonder if any of us really do.

[joanna]

hi abby,

i think if you don't want to have children, you just don't. there's nothing in the world which should make you do something you don't want, especially when it comes to having children. like my sister, she loves my baby but she and her husband enjoy the "free" life and travelling, so they decided not to have children and that should be perfectly alright.

i have those days too, especially when i have so much in mind and nothing seems to become fruitful. these days will pass and tomorrow you'll feel happy and fresh about being yourself...i'm always here to hear/read/share with you. =)